(Sean Altman &Rob Tannenbaum)
Just a little off the top that's all, that's all
A little off the top that's all...
Keep a sure &steady hand
When you're slicing up the glans
Just a little off the top, that's all...

Dear man, I hope you understand
Don't nick my baby boy's dick
Therefore, you know that less is more
Don't chop - just a little off the top


How dare you imply that my hand isn't steady
Although I'm quite old, I'm also quite ready
So you needn't worry that my brow is sweaty
'cause I never slip when I wield my machette
I've done it blind-folded, I've done it on acid
I did it in Budapest, Prague and Lake Placid
Erect or flaccid, it's a little off the top


I've seen some long as a garden snake
And some that gave me a tummy ache
I like it smooth like a lollipop 
So when you crop, just a little off the top
A little off the top...

chorus - All

Just a little off the top that's all, that's all
A little off the top that's all...
Keep a sure &steady hand
When you're slicing up the glans
Just a little off the top
Be careful how you crop
Just a little off the top
Don't make me call a cop
Just a little off the top that's all

(Sean Altman)
I'm blessed with a sunny demeanor - I'm graced with the gift of gab
I've got a cheerful chiseled face - At singing, wellÉ I'm fab
My life's a wealth of riches, but you can take your pick
Winter through fall, I'd trade it all for another inch of dick

I eat ceviche on every beach from Baja to Barbados
It's chicken feed 'cause what I need's more meat with my potatoes
My drink of choice is fine champagne in which I shower daily
But from my prick I get no kick - the trick: a thick shillelagh

I populate my harem with brunettes redheads and blondes
It don't mean squat - I'd toss the lot for just a smidge more shvantz

My white Corvette, my Lear jet, the private yacht I skipper
Are still no scrip, they're just a blip when I unzip my flipper
And though to you my life is charmed, to me it's still a dud
Whose only remedy you see is a slightly longer pud

I've paid outrageous prices for special devices on late night television
I've emptied my purse to coerce the reverse of my cursed circumcision
When girls take dictation they like exclamation points, not apostrophes
And deep in their cooter they don't want a scooter, they want an SUV

My skill at math is unsurpassed, converting quart to liter
But still I vent for one more centimeter on my peter
My skin is alabaster smooth - there's neither mole nor freckle
But twixt my thighs there's no surprise - No double-decker shmeckel

"Join me!"
scatÉmy yearning burning ember
scatÉmy pole my swollen member
scatÉCharles Bronson
scatÉmy dong, my schlong my johnson

Some say that I'm ungrateful, they call me a complainer
Sure, life is sweet - but incomplete - with my petite blue veiner

Might I negate my tragic fate to live then die alone
Without the girl whose heart will twirl when I unfurl my bone
One day I'll find that special kind, and one thing will define her
What makes us cool, makes me her fool, her miniscule vaginer
Her microscopic, cockanthropic, rock-me-til-I-popic small vaginer

(Sean Altman)
It's friday night &here's my plight
I got no right to turn on the light
I'm a god-fearing man
So in darkness now I stand

I just walked eighteen miles from shul
I'm waiting in the elevator feelin' like a fool
'Cause I can't push my number floor
Lest I answer to my Lord

Be my little shabbos goy
Lend a Christian helping hand and spread some shabbos joy
It's my sabbath I will not defile it
But I'm starving: please light my pilot
Won't you be my little shabbos goy?

Another Friday evenin' the sun is fading
I'm sitting in a titty bar masturbating
To Nancy with boobies so fancy
But I can't put a dollar in her panties (she's getting antsy)

I yell at the DJ to kill the PA
Cause instruments and records are forbidden today
He says "Strippers need music to wrestle in jello"
I tell him "That's why God invented acapello"

Be my little shabbos goy
The Christian thing to do is help a naughty shabbos boy
On her nipples my eyes have been feasting
Please insert my dollar in her g-string
Won't you be my little shabbos

Goys tear the paper when I'm on the crapper
So I don't have to wipe my butt with a wrapper and
Shabbos Goys bellow the words to Hatikva 
While screwing my wife when she's ripe for the mikva

Be my little shabbos goy
For 24 hours youÕve got Christ-like powers to deploy
You should do your duty on shabbos
'cause the rest of the week you lynch mob us
And if you'll be my shabbos goy I swear that I'll be true
When we conspire to rule the world I promise to spare you (and you)
I'll be your Shabbos Jew (if you'll be my shabbos goy)

(words: Sean Altman &Rob Tannenbaum, music: Sean Altman)
It's a good night for the scalpers
Every ticket has sold out
500 bucks on eBay or you've got to have the clout
To get inside and seated at the city's biggest show
'cause everybody wants to be there when Murray start to blow

No tee-shirts with his name out on display
Nobody in the audience is stoned
They come just once a year to hear him play
They come 'cause Murray helps them to atone
The people in the front row all get splattered with his drool
But Murray plays so good even the bad Jews come to shul

Cause when Murray blows the shofar, all your sins get washed away
Every lie you ever told, every prayer you never prayed
With his lips around a ram's horn, he's a semitic Satchmo
All the Hebrews holler "Blow, Murray, blow!"

A Buddhist takes a vow and doesn't speak
And Muslims purge their sins with a Jihad
Catholics do confession once a week
But Jews got just ONE day to make it right with God
You cheated on your taxes &you're prone to masturbate
But the Gipper of Yom Kippur is the guy to clean your slate

Cause when Murry blows the shofar all your sins go round the bend 
He's the guy who keeps ya kosher when you've nailed your wife's best friend
He's like Nat King Cole Nidre blowing a hymie hi-dee-ho
All the Hebrews holler "Blow, Murray, blow!"

He learned the saxophone in Harlem from the Ethiopian Jews
He jammed with Judy Garland deep in the birth place of her blues
One day he found his calling in a judaica shop
He wet his whistle puffed his cheeks and his high notes hit the top

Tekiyah, teruah, shvarim, Just the goyim
Do you want Murray to blow? (Yeah) 3x
Then blow, Murray, blowwww!
(shofar solo)

Rabbi Gottleib is a pro, Cantor Cohen is a gas
But if you're feeling like a shmo after checkin' out your buddy's ass

That's when Murray blows the shofar &all your sins go adios
Every time you touched your patients' tits while they were comatose
In the pasture every ram wants to be blown in Murray's show
All the Hebrews holler blow Murray blow...
All the He...brews... ho...ller blow (honk), blow (honk), blow (honk)
Murray blow... MURRAY!

(Sean Altman)
When Christian scribes revised the bible
Ever wise they devised the blood libel
And anyone who doesn't think it's true
Has never tasted Christian babe... au jus

Of all the rituals that make a Hebrew heart tick 
There's a particular trick we find the most cathartic
Circumcision's not the one 
Nor the bacon that we shun
Nor the usury we practice just for fun

It's when we 
Raise a glass and drink a toast to Christian baby blood
What do Christians feed their babes to make it taste so good?
There's never been a beverage more misunderstood
Than delicious nutricious Christian baby blood, l'chaim!

More refreshing than Botox or a face lift
Is a hearty stein of Christian baby platelates
We gather lotsa Christian tykes 
then we picks the ones we likes
and we drain each tender vein and shout "Hoorah!"

That's how we
Raise a glass and drink a toast to Christian baby blood
We'd bottle the blood of every Christian toddler if we could
We've drunk the waspy baby hemoglobin since the flood
It's euphoric, non-caloric, it's Christian baby blood, l'chaim!

For a Jew to be true to the Talmud
For the tribe he must imbibe a bit of baby blood
Jewish babies are too pricey, Buddhist babies are too spicy
Muslim babies are too dicey and the Scientologist babies have no blood

But you don't have to be a kike to take a swig, Sir
Anyone can partake of this elixir
Find yourself a Christian tot with a boo-boo on his butt 
and before it starts to clot, hold your lips up to the spot 
and pour a shot down the hatch, down the hatch

Let's all now 
Raise a glass and drink a toast to Christian baby blood
What's in Christian mothers' tits to make it taste so good?
No plasma's as orgasmic for the kosher vampirehood
So we knock back the lip-smacking Christian baby blood
Yes we knock it back the lip-smacking Christian baby blood
Forever knockin' back the lip-smacking Christian baby blood
yidle-dee didle-dee dum, l'chaim! 

(Sean Altman &Rob Tannenbaum)
I've never been the most observant jew
After my bar mitzvah I was through
I've disobeyed the code of Abraham
I've eaten several shiksas and some ham
But as bad as I have been
I still would never dream
Of foresaking my forefathers
And playing for the other team

Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
When I see you my mind just freezes
Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
Stink as bad as rotten cheeses
And just to show you who's the boss
I'd really like to nail you to the cross
Jews for Jesus

Your shirt of blue emblazoned with a star
Filthy turncoat - that is what you are
You offer me a pamphlet - I decline
I'd rather jam a broom up your behind
Like mayonnaise on rye
You make your bubbe cry
Go get your foreskin reattached
It's time for you to die

Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
I wanna wanna chop you into pieces
Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
I hope you get lots of diseases
Traded in Purim for the Pentecost
I'd really like to nail you to the cross
Jews for Jesus

"Jew for Jesus" - the phrase is pure deceit
It's like being a vegetarian for meat
I'd gladly baptize you in my toilet
For you, just like the bowl, are full of shit
Let's take you to the lake outside of town
You'd better walk on water or you'll drown
You're born again - that's nice
Stay dead - that's my advice
If Jesus resurrects you, great!
I get to kill you twice

Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
On Christmas day do ya eat Chineses
Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
I'd wanna wanna toss you from trapezes
Jews for Jesus, Jews for Jesus
These two things are antitheseses
Time for you to learn about the Holocaust
While I nail you to the cross
Jews for Jesus

(Sean Altman)
Roll over here to my side of your bed
It's been a year - who knows where we're headed?
Our souls entwined along with our limbs
But in my mind, a suspicion so grim 

It embarrasses you when I check the check at a fancy restaurant
&you hate eating bagels &lox for breakfast when bacon's what you want
We've shared wine and song &fluids
Still, it's time to say adieu
For though you think love's on the brink, I'm just too Jew for you

I admire your fur but can't quell my urge to ask how much it cost
&I swing every casual conversation to Hitler and the Holocaust
And so dear friend it's time we end our passion pas de Jew
For it's too likely I'm too kikely, Just too Jew for you

The Easter weekend with your family left me feeling blue
Your mom kept telling me that Jesus started out a Jew
We painted eggs and then you made me wear the crown of thorns
I'm still aghast your sister asked if she could touch my horns

&I can't forget that you can't forgive Woody Allen for the Soon-Yi thang
&it wrecks our sex that your Christian yin's too big for my Jew yang
So nu my shayna shiksa there's one jigsaw piece askew
'Cause you feel gypped that I was clipped, I'm just too Jew for you

The bed of kinky hair that warms my body makes you frown
When you refer to New York City, you say "hymie-town"
When something is too pricey you say "Sean, go Jew them down"
I'm sick and tired of telling you that "Jew" is just a noun

Every night when we're banging 
There's Jesus hanging on the cross above your bed
Well - Christ on a bike - he could look more psyched 
to see a Jewboy getting head
When I said "talk dirty" I meant talk flirty not call me a "dirty Jew"

Just when I think you abhor me 
You come back for more of my Jewdiosynchrasy
Maybe I'm not too Jew for you, You're just too wasp for me
You're just too wasp for me...

(Sean Altman)
spoken intro: "When I was just a boy, knee-high to a tea spoon, 
there was a stranger came to town - ugly fella - turned the 
female population upside down. Womenfolk *loved* him, and none of 
us men could figure out why..."

Long Tongue Shloime
Danglin' and a'tanglin' that appendage won't quit
Long Tongue Shloime - Lickity lickety split

Long Tongue Shloime got a bump on his nose
He got a cauliflower ear and a hair lip
He got a burning case of fungus down among his toes
He got crotch rot, a hump back and a bum hip
He comes a'trottin' into town on a crippled nag
Somethin' rotten weighin' down his colostomy bag
But when he shows every other Joe's spirits sag
Breath hot like a dragon with his hanging tongue a waggin', hey!

Long Tongue Shloime got a little shriveled dinosaur arm 
like a thalidomide baby
But when he opens his trap, let's that tongue unwrap
Every lady's palpitatey in her labia
Just a glimpse of it and not a pair o'panties is dry 
Though he don't look the apple of a woman's eye
'cept maybe if she got a lotta stamps to apply
In a bygone time before self-adhesive, hey!

Long Tongue Shloime got about as much charm 
as Jeffrey Dahmer or the Unabomber
But when he moseys into town the other shmos know
to get cozy with Rosy Palmer
He got body odor you can smell an acre away
Got back hair long enough to macrame
Still he's got his pick of every chick in Dallas to lay
Every cowboy in town says "what's so special 'bout"

Long Tongue Shloime
Got a taste for trouble 'til he's tonsil deep in it
Long Tongue Shloime
Lickity lickety Lickity lickety Lickity lickety split

Long Tongue Shloime licked his way through the ladies 
and himself into a trickle of a pickle
He let his tongue provide for the Sheriff's bride 
when with the tip he gave a flick and then a tickle
A posse hunted him down and made him beg for his life
The sheriff said "I'm gonna let you live" but took out a knife
He said "Shloime, here's what you git for lickin' my wife"
And then he sawed that well hung tongue down the middle
From the back to the front like he was bowin' on a fiddle, hey!

The ladies of the town found Shloime's body bound 
Beaten bloody from the vengeance of the male folk
There was hushed pause as they pried open his jaws 
By what she saw each one prepared to have her heart broke 
Then Shloime blinked in the light into the morning bright
And his toothless smile said everything was all right
And you never heard so many girlish squeals of delight
As a matching pair of long tongues flopped into sight, he's

Two (what?) two (what?) two (what?) two (count'em!) 
Two Tongue Shloime
Every lucky lady's got her personal favorite of his
Two independently controlled and operated
Two Tongue Shloime double lickety split
Two Tongue Shloime, Two Tongue Shloime Lickity lickety split
Two Tongue Shloime 
Lickity lickety Lickity lickety Lickity lickety split


(Sean Altman)
Satan, Satan - hear my plea
Success has somehow eluded me
&rumor has it you've got the recipe
So won't you make a pact with me?

Hey, Dark Lord, Dark Lord, howdy do?
I'm here to apply to be part of your crew
I've tried being a righteous upstanding dude
&all I've ever gotten was deeply screwed

I gave God first crack at makin' me a star
That doddering slacker didn't get far
My prayers couldn't even get me booked on a cruise
So I said "Hey God, you snooze, you lose"

Now I'm poised to start my perfect life
As the Prince of Darkness' prison wife
Now the rocky road to riches is a shortcut
With my nose up your big red Beelzebutt 

I hereby bequeath you my first born
I'll polish your pitchfork &spit-shine your horn
I'll trade my bible for a stack of porn
Sneak into the movies with my own popcorn

I'll leave the toilet seat down &take a pee
I'll whack off even more regularly
I'll hurl my cat from the highest tree
&if it survives, there's bestiality

I got Robert Johnson's biography
Got Rosemary's Baby on DVD
I saw Domingo sing Faust back in '83
So please Lucifer, take me over your knee

Now, Mephistopheles, what's the drill?
Is there an "Idiot's Guide to Perpetrating Evil"? 
I've never hurt a fly but I'm ready to kill
Just tell me what muthafucker's blood to spill

"What's it gonna be Satan? 
Come on....I can wait all night
What's it gonna be, Satan, yes or no? 
What's it gonna be, Satan, yes or ......?"

I'll do your bidding for eternity
But if you don't want me, damnit, set me free
I've got other contractual opportunities
You're not the only supernatural fish in the sea 
There's Buddha, Santa, &the tooth fairy
There's L Ron Hubbard &the Easter bunny
There's Rabbi Shneerson &Muhammad Ali
There's Tanto, Bigfoot, &Pavarotti
There's Lassie, Flipper and Howdy Doody
There's Long Dong Silver &Mister Softee

I'll do anything &everything to succeed
Won't somebody make a pact with me?

(Sean Altman &Rob Tannenbaum)
In all the songs of Christmas
Passed down from days of old
The tale of the unsung reindeer
Is the one that's yet untold

You've heard of Dasher, you've heard of Dancer
You've heard of Prancer and Vixen, too
But there's a reindeer you haven't heard of yet
It's secret 'cause he's a Jew

You've heard of Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen
And Rudolph and how he glows
But not Reuben - they're all ashamed of him
He's the reindeer with the big hook nose

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
With his bulbous Semitic beak
Cooks blintzes for Blitzen, does Santa's taxes
Cleans his hooves every week

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
And the gig is taking its toll
'Cause it's a bitch to finagle a lox and bagel
Up at the North Pole

He checks the oil, rotates the tires
Wraps the presents and packs the sleigh
He checks the road map, rewinds the Streisand tape
He packs a Thermos of consomme

He gets a separate receipt for the milk and for the meat
Pays wholesale for all the toys
As you can plainly see, he's Santa's MVP
And Santa is his Shabbos goy

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
With his giant misshapen snout
Thinks Comet's a cleanser, Cupid's a yenta
And Rudolph's a Nazi Kraut

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
He took the fortune but not the fame
Went to Yeshiva, won't chase beaver
Mah jongg is his reindeer game

Oh just like a slave in thrall to Pharaoh
He toils all night in the snow (ho ho ho)
Come on, Santa, hear our plea: Let my reindeer go!

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
With his veiny relentless schnozz
Got a poster of Bambi up in his locker
And panties from Mrs. Claus

He's Reuben the hook-nosed reindeer
He's Kosher and playing it safe
The elves put their dicks in Prancer and Vixen
But he won't because they're treyf
No he won't because they're treyf...

(Sean Altman)
I'm not bragging - don't mean to blaspheme
But Jesus was a short dude - at least compared to me

The average guy at the time of Christ
Was 4'9 to 5'5"
I....I'm taller than Jesus
I said I....I'm much taller than Jesus

He was long on love - but short of limb
My tee-shirt fits like a dress on him
He could heal the sick and save your soul
But he couldn't dunk a basketball
I....I'm taller than Jesus
I said I....I'm MUCH taller than Jesus

Y'see, Jesus walked on water
Turned water into wine
But if you want to change that light bulb
Call me - l'm divine...

I was hanging with Christ - just guy to guy
He was sitting on a phone book - we were eye to thigh

He said "Hey Sean - what's it like up high?"
I said "Hay-soos - you want a piggyback ride?"

The Beatles said they were bigger than you
Well I've the height on the Beatles too
If genes determine the size of your bod
Then my Dad must be taller than God
I....I'm taller than Jesus
I said I....I'm MUCH taller than Jesus 
Not better than Jesus
Just taller than Jesus

(Sean Altman &Rob Tannenbaum)
I've got two pubic hairs and a three piece suit - Today I am a man
I'm getting bar mitzvah'd just to make some loot (TIAAM) 
Mom's all wacked out on Percoset
Dad's back from Reno with a slutty brunette
And here comes Uncle Saul smelling like a vat of Brute
Today I am a man

A bunch of old white guys playing Kool &The Gang (celebration!)
30 thousand bucks on this crummy shebang (TIAAM)
At least I'll get to slow dance with Emily
I wish she wasn't eight inches taller than me
Now there's grown up feeling coming from my wang
Today I am a man

I'm a man - a man who can't drink or vote
I'm a man - my voice cracks with every note
I'm a man - that's what the rabbi said
I'm a man who still wets the bed
I'm a man,  I'm a man,  I'm a man

All my parents' friends gave me long term bonds (TIAAM)
By the time they mature I'll be dead and gone (TIAAM)
So I'll trade 'em for a hooker with a big huge chest
She can help me study for my algebra test
So it's a coming of age for me and my shvantz
Today I am a...

Man with the powers God granted all men
Whenever I want I can stay up 'til ten
My manhood's a flower just starting to bloom
"Stop touching your penis and go clean your room!"

I'm a man - bartender, where's my beer?
I'm a man - I wonder if I'm queer
I'm a man - that's what the rabbi said
I'm a man who still wets the bed
I'm a man,  I'm a man,  I'm a man
I've got two pubic hairs and a three piece suit
Today I am a man

(Sean Altman &Rob Tannenbaum)
We were slaves to pharaoh in Egypt
The year was 1492
Hitler had just invaded Poland
Madonna had just become a Jew
Moses was found on the Potomac
Then he marched with Martin Luther King
He came back to free us from our bondage
'Cause S&M has never been our thing 

They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat
They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet
So they chase us to the border
There's a parting of the water
Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat 

Then the Pharaoh, who looked like Yul Bruyner 
Heard the Jews were trying to escape 
Charlton Heston came right down from the mountain 
He said, "Pharaoh, you're a damn dirty ape" 
The menorah was almost out of oil 
Farrakhan was planning Kristalnacht
The gefitle fish was nearing extinction
It looked like Moses and his flock were fehrkakt

They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat
They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet
And we knew how to resist
'Cause we'd rented Schindler's List 
Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat

The 10 Egyptian plagues
1. Blood  
2. Locusts
3. Boils
4. Dandruff
5. Acne
6. Backne
7. Indigestion
8. Sciatica 
9. Cataracts
10. Sickle cell anemia

We fled on foot, there was no time to tarry 
Leavening the bread would take too long 
All we had was egg foo yung and matzoh 
While battling the fearsome Viet Cong
And so tonight, we gather to remember 
The ancient Hebrews who paid the price 
We have a Seder, each year in December
To commemorate our savior, Jesus Christ 

They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat
They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet
So we never did succumb to the annual pogrom
Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat

They tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat
They tried to kill us, we were faster on our feet
So come on, blow the shofar
'Cause they haven't nailed us so far
Tried to kill us, we survived, let's eat

(Sean Altman)
Hanukah's the one with the Maccabees
The menorah and the dreidel song 
Passover's got the... Pharoah and the matzoh
Wandering the desert for so long 
Sukkos is the harvest, Yom Kippur is for sin
Rosh Hashona rings the new year in, yes
Every holiday tells the story of our people's pain &glory

But what the hell is Simchas Torah? 
Nobody seems to know
Howe'er it was begotten
The story was forgotten a long long time ago
The rabbis and the talmudic scholars muse 
that it must have something to do with the Jews
But what the hell is Simchas Torah? 
Nobody seems to know

There's no supermarket section to give us Jews a hint
Do we fast, do we eat, is it diary or meat 
or dust bunnies and lint?
Did the Arabs attack, did the temple fall,
did Moses lose a testicle?
Tell me what the hell is Simchas Torah?
Nobody seems to know

Not one Google hit, no parade permit
No Simchas Torah logo on an oven mitt
Moshiach came back from the dead 
to scratch his head and scream 
"Never heard of it!"

So what the hell Is Simchas Torah?
It's never in the news
It was probably invented by Hallmark 
to sell more cards to Jews
Or it's part of a hippie zionist plot 
to control the world and legalize pot
Tell me what the hell is Simchas Torah?
nobody seems to know

Did Sammy Davis Junior get a new glass eye?
Did Moshe Dayan get a patch?
Did Golda Meir get new false teeth 
or maybe a Brazilian wax?

Tell me what the hell is Simchas Torah?
Nobody knows the scoop
Does it commemorate Adam &Eve's first date
Or Abraham's largest poop?
What makes this mystical holiday tick?
Did David &Goliath do a gay porn flick?
Tell me what the hell is Simchas Torah?
Nobody seems to know...

Do we laugh, do we groan?
Do we sin or atone?
Do we borrow, do we loan?
Do we rent do we own?
Is it cup or cone?
Only one thing is known: we will piss &moan 'cause
What the hell is Simchas Torah?
no - body - seems - to - know....
nai-nai-nai - Mazel tov!